There are secrets held inside
Secrets not mine to tell
And yet contain heaviness
Swirling tentacles in the gut
Taking up residence in a knee, a joint
Secreting grief, anguish and pain
Residing, intensity fading
against the day to day
Until startled back into movement
By a word, a conversation, a scene
Bursting through thick flesh and scab
holding back the grinding pain.
Turning, with arms studded
Sharp rocks and thorns
Touching outer layers
Numb from protecting
Ripping causing life
To flow again
As we near the end of the year most people will take even just a few minutes to reflect over the year. Some will even make resolutions based on their reflections (I am not one of those people).
But as you reflect, I would ask that you remember gently. Be gracious to yourself.
I am a huge fan of reflection, especially daily reflection (I'm sure I'll post on that soon and the link will be inserted here when it is ready). However, this year I begged my husband not to recap 2019. Really. I knew it would be coming, so back in the fall I told him I would not be participating in the reflection process. There was too much pain. Too many tears left to shed. Too many things I didn't want to know the whole truth about. And I knew in order to "recap" all of those things would need to be lifted out and felt and sat in for awhile.
I thought we were doing pretty well in our agreement. Even the really tough thing that I thought we had given enough time and thought and healing to, which we just referred to as the "thing that would remain nameless" was being left alone. And while I resign myself to mitigate any kind of circumstances and my very meager television watching to "The Great British Baking Show" and ridiculous Hallmark-esque Christmas movies (yes, all year), I trusted my husband as he picked a movie he wanted to watch. And, well you can tell where this is going.
There was a scene. A scene that tore up one of those "things" - the "thing that would remain nameless". And of course, there was no more burying it. It was already up. It had already burst through the scab and scar that I thought could contain it for eternities to come. So it was the opportunity to discuss all the questions, shed the tears and realize that perhaps it wasn't time to lay the "thing" to rest yet. There was more to feel. An opportunity to envelop us both in grace.
So my prayer for you, is that you would remember gently. Be gracious to yourself as you journey. "Things" don't need to be packaged up tightly, labeled 2019 and put away at the end of the year. Give yourself the space to grow through them. If you need someone to talk to, but feel it's not yours to tell find someone who has a confidentiality agreement, a therapist or a spiritual director.
**some secrets aren't meant to be kept at all if someone is talking about harming themselves or someone else and the best thing you can do is to let a professional know.